Uh. Oh.

Uh. Oh.

Turns out what I wrote a few weeks ago about sharing kindness is harder than I thought. Turns out being nice isn’t the same as being kind. Turns out I am inherently nice, but not always kind.

That bums me out. Really and truly bums me out. I certainly never thought I was perfect, and I am pretty honest to myself when I KNOW I made a kindness booboo. But, on the very last day of the year and into the first day, I could see the not kind thoughts I was having. And, being that it was just as 2022 was passing along and we were ushering 2023 in, and I had  JUST written and posted a whole blog post about kindness, I was shocked to realize that I was not really living by my very own words.

And, as I dug deeper, I could cite so many examples of my own wrongdoing, my own lack of kindness, or my own inability more than not, to process and understand the feelings of others. 

UGH. What a bummer. I am embarrassed. I am saddened. 

I chose people to surround myself at times, that I KNEW deep down were disingenuous. I chose relationships that I knew, in full disclosure, were not good for me, or good for those in my life. I was not always good and kind and respectful to the people that mattered the most in my life. I did not always pick up on cues of those who really needed me. And the times that I thought I was “ALL” that, were the times I was the least bit “ALL” that.

I have misspoken at times, mistreated at times, acted negligently at times, and spoken harshly for no reason. 

How depressing. I am so disappointed in myself. I wish I could reach out to those I have hurt or disappointed and apologize. I have done so for 1 or two people, but there are so many more. So many people and relationships I would like a do over with. I wish I could go back in time to just make things right. But I guess then I would not be where I am now. And I am in a good place. But, one has to wonder who and where I would be now, if only I had been and done better. 

As we all clearly know, we can not go back in time. No time travel forward or backwards. No Delorean I can hop into and have it take me back to a day or time or place. No time jumps that take us back and allows us to change our mistakes.  So, here I am now….wanting to make amends and to go forward and be better.

If you are reading this, and, if I was not as kind to you, as I should have been, I am very sorry. I need to say it. I am sorry. It is eating my insides up, thinking that I might have sent you down a sad/mad/angry path. I am sorry if my injustices to you set you down a different path. I apologize if I did not reach out enough. I apologize if your words were not truly heard by me because I was too busy crafting my response. 

We are given one whole and amazing life. One opportunity to live life to our fullest. I have been very lucky in this one life…My family is healthy. I am healthy. I love and am loved by 1 special person. I have had opportunities, and education, and support. But, in full disclosure, I am pretty sure I have suffered from imposter syndrome, before it had a name, or at least a name that I had heard of. I felt insecure for a significant part of my life. I wanted to be large. I wanted to live large. Not fancy, but GREAT. I wanted to make my mark on this world, and leave a legacy. But, I was timid, and still sort of am. Every time I wanted to storm the world, I was fraught with anxiety about my abilities. This anxiety, this fear, this imposter syndrome, stopped me from world domination!!…or, more honestly, simply stopped me from achieving to my highest abilities. 

And, probably, my insecurities allowed me to be unkind. My insecurities also kept me small. Small in action and small in kindness. 

Small. I never want to be small in anyway…except maybe my tummy. My tummy should be small, but NOT my mindset or my actions. 

So, not to excuse my actions, words or thoughts….but, I can now see clearly what caused them. But here is my promise to myself. Large. Grand. BIG. In thought, In heart. In action. In words. 

Often when someone is thinking to do something a little crazy, they will say “Well, we only live once”. And, while that is true…let’s live that one life with purpose and passion and drive, but simultaneously with respect to ourselves and those around us.  Let’s not leave this world with regret in our hearts for things we said, did or did not say. Let’s recognize the difference between kindness and niceness, and live it all to its truest and highest form. Kindness is being generous and considerate.  Nice is pleasant and agreeable. Such a huge difference in their meanings, and yet so easy to mistakenly interchange. When I hear nice I liken it to when one asks their significant other how they look, and the response is “Fine”. FINE?!?!?! Nice. All acceptable, just no real heartfelt depth. A platitude in the fact that there was indeed a response, just not one of significance. 

I meant it when I wrote about kindness. I don’t want to be remembered as nice. When it comes time to writing my obituary, I don’t want it filled with dates and nice words. I want it to be about who I truly was a person. How I affected people. How I owned up to my mistakes and tried to be better and do better. (Are you hearing me Diana? You mentioned you would author my obit!)

I look forward to living my future life with less fear. Feeling less afraid to try and more willing to let go of anxieties and more willing to put myself out there. A large and beautiful life.

I want to be the person another person goes home and tells their family how they ran into a kind stranger that day, and have it really be deep down true. I want to be the person that truly cares about the people in their life and those people know it through and through. I want to be the person that my people hope I will be. I want to be the person I hope to be.

From me to you….I hope you are out living your passion. Putting yourself out there, willing to take risks. I wish for you kindness in your heart, kindness in your words and in your actions, and I hope upon hope that it is returned to you ten fold.(If I am lucky enough, I will be one of the ones that returns your loving kindness right back to you!)

Much love all!

a.-