|I’m so high right now.|
Does this ever happen to you? You feel high? I mean like a sweet gentle, natural, life is beautiful, the grass is the perfect shade of green, the sun feels so warm and gentle on my shoulders, even my eyes are glassy, blissed out kind of high?
I hope you have.
A few weekends ago we were at the farm, we went down separately as I stayed in the city a few extra days…(I mean, somebody has to work!!!!), and I came home a day early.
It was a great weekend. We got to spend time with one of #thetribe, AND we got a new pony! When driving home by myself….sunroof open, windows down, speeding along, already missing my man….wondering how I can get back to “Sweet Annie” right quick, a calm came over me. A feeling of love. Not just for my #farmboy, but for my life, my tribe, for life in general. A feeling of life is beautiful and inspiring. And I felt a calm wash over me at the same time. A feeling that the possibilities are limitless.
The past few weekends, and the next upcoming few, we find ourselves off visiting, or being with, one or more of our #tribe. So….6 out of 7 weekends have us traveling to show love to our people. We scheduled all of this weeks ago before knowing how the month of September was going to play out. This September has been a very emotional month for all of the tribe, (including myself), and my/our hearts have just been so stressed out for them. As my guy likes to say…”the bigger the kids the bigger the problems”. I remember when we could just fix our littles problems. When sometimes a hug and a listening ear were all that were required. Now we are merely sideline coaches and live too far away from 3 of them to even hug for reassurance.
The struggle with friends/boyfriends/girlfriends/work/money at any age is just so painful. But, to watch the people you love the most go through it, is more difficult than when you, yourself, goes through it. We all want our kids to never know sadness or heart ache….but, we all know that it is unavoidable. Period. It happens to everyone at some point, and all of us that have “some mud on our tires” knows that success is built on failure. I just heard this expression, and loved it…”you know you are going to fail at some point, so fail forward”. Fail forward, that way you are seeing what you are hitting your head on, and are able to pick yourself up and continue forward.
Listen, I am SUPER aware that all the mistakes in my life brought me back to reconnecting with my man, and brought me to the place I am supposed to be. In the moment when recovering from previous mistakes, I saw no lesson to be learned, other than the lesson of hurt and shame. After a bit, I was able to be clear about what goodness/lesson I could take away from each mistake, that allowed me to know when I had landed with the right person. And who I wanted to be when the right person arrived.
I am hyper aware that time is precious. That we must live OUT LOUD. You know I don’t really mean physically loud, but metaphorically. Strive. Work hard. Fail. Pick ourselves up. Try again. We WILL fail. Times WILL be tough. How we pick ourselves up. How we love ourselves. How we treat those that have hurt us. That is the measure of the person.
I received some very sad personal news this week (not about me personally), and it has given me a reason to be even more introspective. When we are at the end of our journey, what can be said of us? What will we have accomplished? Who will we have touched and how? What mistakes will we have made, and how will we pick ourselves up from those mistakes?
I would like to make sure that any of our kids that might be reading this, are very clear with understanding….I love you all, and will ALWAYS be there for you. I will ALWAYS be your champion. You are our priorities, and I will always be there to hold your hand. Even if I did not birth you. I gotchu’.
And, in light of all this, I would actually like to take a moment to apologize. I would like to say I am sorry here and now, before it is too late….I apologize to those I have harmed, or treated poorly, intentionally or unintentionally. I would like to add that in almost every situation of “wrong doing” I felt at the time, that my actions/choices were either justified, or I was clueless I was hurting someone.Not every time, mind you, but for the most part.
I am sorry.
And, to those that have hurt me. I forgive you. Some of my hurts are pretty monumental, and I might never be able to forget….BUT, I forgive you. I know we all do the best we can in the moment. Let’s walk away from old pain and issues and rebuild. Let’s not be the same people we were but instead, be the people we are now. The stronger, wiser more resilient people, and bring those people to the table.
Carrying around old anger keeps us down. We are never victorious if we are always revisiting the hurt and those that hurt us. Let them hang on to whatever baggage it is…Let them stay small. But us? Not us. By letting go, we are open to all of the positives that life has to offer.
We can put out to the Universe all of the good we are open to receiving and recognize the good when it comes our way. No need to crumple in a ball emotionally and mentally when things are rough. No need to carry the extra weight of hate. Take a moment to reflect. Lick our wounds. Examine. And then, instead of crumpling, be open to BIG and glorious things.
I am hyper aware of time and what I still want to accomplish. I am hyper aware that at the end of my life I want to have mattered somewhere to someone and made a difference. I never want to reach a point in my life where I have failed to say I love you every day to those that matter and to ask for forgiveness to those that matter. I want nothing left unsaid.
To the other end….as my mom always told me before going out….”remember who you are”.
Remember that you deserve goodness, not because you are entitled to it. But because you, yourself are a good person. Remember that you are worthy to be chosen. And, if someone does not choose you, while that can be excruciating and confusing, it is time to move on and find people who DO choose you and therefore deserve you.
We can not make people love us and want us. We can stand up and only accept those that want us.
So, this is a love note of sorts….a love note to me. To our tribe. To my man. To my family. To you.
Love yourself. Love life. Take a moment every day to find one thing that makes you feel that natural, mind blowing, my heart is going to escape from my chest sort of high and carry it with you until you have the next moment. I heard someone say, break down the day into hours…..if during 1 hour you fail, refuse to carry it into the next hour. Don’t let the other hours of the day reflect that 1 bad hour.
Focus on the joy. Let go of the negative. Be the person that loves and does not hate.
May you find, at least once a day, your “high” moment and embrace it. Life can be so glorious, if we allow it to be.
Love yourself. You are worth it. To quote the “Outsiders”, “Stay gold pony boy”.
Mad love all.
Allison Joy Peal Dincecco
Ps….this is in honor of my biological father. The man who gave me my genetics. The man who loved me the best he could. R.I.P. Myron Harold Peal