Just when…

I start to feel better about taking control of my body, there it is….

Age.

The back side of my legs shocked me into a crying laugh. Here I was so aware of the front part of my legs, and the backside snuck up on me and smacked the front side into oblivion! My knees decided that shorts were no longer going to make me look cute….just old. The wrinkles on the face….now the eye creases MEET the smile lines. (Think The Joker.) AND, the neck has simply just given up trying to hold it together.

Maybe I am obsessed by this whole aging thing. And, trust me, I won’t fight you on that. I am.

Last weekend I went to the casual opening Friday night party for my HS reunion. It is shocking to know that so many years have passed. Trust me, I am not looking back with fond memories. High School was not a great experience for me. I didn’t fit in. I wasn’t really into the preppy thing. I wasn’t outgoing and confident. Now, don’t get me wrong, those 4 years helped build my character. It helped me know that I needed to spread my wings and fly and experiment. So, then why did I go to a part of the reunion?

I swore when I graduated, I would not attend a one. But then about 15 or 20 years ago I went to prove to myself that I could walk in by myself and handle it. And, I did. Then I said “No need to repeat that. Been there, done that….”So why now? WELL, I have a partner….We live only about 3 hours by car….And, in my mind, this is probably the last time before it all falls to the shitter without being able to plaster it all together.

In a small group chat with a few high school friends one admitted to not wanting to dress up in 80’s clothes, like they asked, as we are in our late 50’s….and, while I 100000% agree with the dressing up, I closed my ears to the age portion of it, as that seemed defeatist. And then, I saw the backside of my legs and I crumbled. Just when I was feeling better than I had been. Eating fairly well. Working out. Achieving household basics. Working in the garden. Working……I was feeling good until I got in my own head. And all I could hear and feel is “We are in our late 50’s”.

So, I went to the Friday night portion of my reunion and told myself I was conducting a science experiment and was going to collect data and observe. Walked in feeling decent. Walked out feeling better than decent. So many of my classmates looked the very same! Crazy and not sure how that can be possible. Many have stayed very good friends as whole groups for all of these decades. Many who never knew I existed all those years ago remembered me now. I felt good about myself. I felt good about my partner. I felt I presented well, as did my #farmboy.

My take away from Friday night????That there is a difference between acting youthful and feeling youthful. I do not act like I am 16, and I am not sure I ever did…..but, while I am not happy to be the age I am…I am proud that I am internally and eternally youthful. I do not need to revisit the years of old nor do I need to act young now….but, inside, I carry joy and happiness and lightness in my heart and in my step. And, I wouldn’t trade that for anything. I am profoundly happy for those of my classmates that have remained such close friends. That is an anomaly to me. I am profoundly happy for my classmates that found their place early in their lives, as it took me years and years and years, and honestly, I am still searching.

I thanked my #farmboy today. I thanked him for seeing my goof and intelligence when I was 16 years old and liking it, and for seeing it again 30 years later and still liking it. I thanked him for being a man of many interests and passions as that keeps me on my toes as well. And, together I think it keeps us both youthful in spirit. My body might not be feeling youthful but my mind and heart are.

All of that being said….while walking the dog today with the sun shining and not too hot, the Pink song, ” I Am Here” played in my head. First of all, if you have not had a chance to see Pink live….RUN! I mean it. All ages are inspired. But this song, reminds me of how lucky I am to be alive and healthy. And, if you need a reminder….Put this song on and scream it aloud ” I AM HERE!” You can not help but feel alive! And, now I am working on the continual daily mental game of switching my focus. Instead of getting mad at my neck for giving up on me, I am changing the inner dialogue to thanking my neck for still holding my head up. I am thanking my face creases for being there, as that means I have had a lot of laughs in my life. I am apologizing to my legs because they are probably tired of me wearing heels. And, as for my knees…well, as for my knees, I am open to any suggestions on how to handle those!!!

much love friends. much love.

a.-